Covid and how it changed me

It’s been almost three months since I got sick from Covid-19. But the journey I had, the trauma, the sleepless nights, the fear – everything’s still fresh. Everything still feels as if it happened yesterday that I still cry about it.

Sometimes, I beat myself by overthinking. How come I haven’t gotten over this yet? I’ve healed, and I’m safe, and so is my family.

Haven’t I been coping up the way I should?

Should I try harder and become more optimistic about things?

What’s wrong with me and why do I feel like this?

Covid has changed me in a way that it somehow brought my spirits down. And I know that shouldn’t be the case. I should be smiling that it’s all over. I should be braver now that I’ve survived it. I beat Covid and I should be proud of that.

Apparently, I don’t feel that way. And for weeks I have been convincing myself to just get over it and be okay with it. But no, I am still not okay with it.

I realized, I may have healed from the disease, but I’m still healing deep inside.

All the things I went through, everything I did, everything I experienced – these are the things I don’t wish on anyone.

Because it’s not easy.

In the past few weeks, I haven’t been smiling that much. My laughter always had a hint of sadness. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see my eyes still filled with worries. My heart is heavy. I am not myself.

Some people would say I just need to talk to someone about this. But I already did. Yet no matter who I turn to, they found me difficult to understand. So I thought maybe to understand would mean to be to be in my shoes. And sadly, that’s just not possible.

I do appreciate all the warm messages I get from my friends and family, and the efforts to make me stand back up again. Every day, I try and try to be resilient.

This battle I have is a battle that I must face alone. It’s me against me. And I need more time, I need more patience.

We, human beings, differ in a lot of aspects: our personalities, our likes and dislikes, our habits, our traditions. And that includes our way of coping up after things get very difficult.

When experience what it’s like to be at your lowest, the fall is just too deep that climbing back up would take a long time.

I don’t know if this is making any sense, but I just want to say that it’s okay if things don’t seem better right away. You can’t rush healing. You can’t speed up this kind of recovery. And that’s okay.

You deserve to take your time. I know it, because I deserve it too.

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